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Sloppy

I haven't felt this exhausted in a long time. Teaching, grad school, life - it's all sloppy right now.

I'm really getting sick of saying the same shit over and over again. I can see how some teachers can grow cold over time to their students. This trimester (we started our third trimester last Monday), students have new schedules, so I have some of my old students and some new students. That's fine, but what is particularly going to be challenging is that this trimester culminates with a Regents exam in June. This means my classes are completely packed as many students have not passed this test, but we'll see how long they stay packed when the weather starts getting nicer.

Honestly, this is the first week where I've actually felt no significant reward from teaching. There are teacher-student moments and "ah HA!" moments, but I felt nothing from them. I'm still pissed about some of my sharper Algebra kids half-assing the final to pull off a barely passing 65% for the class. If I have to talk to some students again about how miserably they failed last trimester and how they're already doing the same shit again, I'm going to pull my hair out. FYI - I have a lot of hair. 

Life is stressing me out a little more than usual and I'm pretty sure a factor that is making it worse is lack of sleep. Any additional work I get (through grad school and Teach for America) stresses me out even more then. I'm meeting my counselor three fucking times a week - another time commitment. I actually fell asleep twice lying on the couch Tuesday evening - a brilliant use of time and money, wouldn't you agree? I'm being such a shitty significant other that I have no words to even describe how I feel about this topic. The landfill of my professional life is spilling over more and more into my personal life and it's disgusting.

I'm reminded of season four of Dexter.  [Spoiler Alert]

Dexter is careless, off his game and sloppy. Something bad is going to happen and I'm honestly scared. What I'm doing is not sustainable.

[Spoiler Alert end]

Oh, a conversation with my student-protege after school this week:
Me: "Dude, it's kind of ridiculous how alike we are. You're like a younger version of me in some ways..."
His response:
"That's sad. I'm going to have some serious psychological issues when I'm an adult."
Spring break officially begins... now.
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Comments

Anonymous said…
Lol, the dude actually said," That's sad if i remind you of me, that means you have promblems. And that means I'm gonna be one dysfunctional adult."

and Don't worry, it'll get better ( probably not, But it's best to hope =/ )

&& Dexter issues always fix them selves. =)
March 25, 2010 at 10:43 PM
Yo Mista! said…
Don't you have some Student Government work to do?..
March 25, 2010 at 10:53 PM
Mr. T said…
I feel you man, teaching is like working out - you start, bust your ass, then you are sore for a while because your muscles arent used to the work, then you start getting stronger feeling some progress, then you hit a small plateau and THEN you actually get weaker for a little bit before you start growing again and then hit a pretty long, stressful and depressive plateau... the the cycle starts all over (minus the preliminary soreness).

I dont know where I am, only you can know where you are, but i have found this to be true about most of life - see what you can do with it :)
March 25, 2010 at 11:19 PM
Alpha Za said…
Dear Mr. Yo Mista,

All men need a good whine once in a while. So it's appropriate that you get yours when your balancing a a wife, a job, therapy, grad school and other commitments.

A couple of things for you to think about.

Your 'Significant other' married you, so she has to deal with your downsides and enjoy your upsides.

Considering how little sleep you seem to be getting, maybe napping at therapy is a constructive use of your money.

Your 'sharper' kids failed. What Desi's in America fail to realize is that most kids don't have the special cramming gene that gets us through the most poorly prepared exams with A's. (Consult N for how we dicked around all year before studying for like 2 weeks and STILL getting A's).

Take a personal day, do absolutely nothing constructive. Make paper planes and make dogs chase them. Go the circus or some cheesy amusement park. I know that you'll probably feel that you can't afford to take a day off because of your students, but the truth is that until you get that buzz back, you aren't going to be an effective teacher.

oh, and maybe you want to stop watching Dexter for a bit until you recover, it's dark and sinister as all hell; hardly the best thing to watch when you are losing your sanity. I recommend 'How I met your mother'.

oh, and Man Up. Life's a vat of gooey shit and we are all trying to sift our way through.
March 26, 2010 at 1:28 AM
Yo Mista! said…
Thanks everyone.

Seems like many have suggested I take a chill day. Couldn't have timed it any better, I guess: I'll be down in the Big Easy enjoying some good old fashioned creole cuisine for a week (so there won't be any posts for a while).

@ Alpha:

Wow. Loved your comment regarding napping...

You're right though, definitely had to man up yesterday.
March 26, 2010 at 10:39 AM
Michelle Hannah said…
no matter what you think, you're always going to be the best wife-swap-day-time-television-super glued-to-you partner i've ever had.

keep on fighting the good fight. sometimes the best thing you can do after a stressful day is take a deep breath and say i'll try again tomorrow.

these kids need you, whether they admit or not.
March 26, 2010 at 12:11 PM
Ahsan said…
Haha that conversation is classic. But yeah, everyone's right, chill out in N'awlins and come back fresh to fight another day.
March 30, 2010 at 5:30 PM
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