I'm really getting sick of saying the same shit over and over again. I can see how some teachers can grow cold over time to their students. This trimester (we started our third trimester last Monday), students have new schedules, so I have some of my old students and some new students. That's fine, but what is particularly going to be challenging is that this trimester culminates with a Regents exam in June. This means my classes are completely packed as many students have not passed this test, but we'll see how long they stay packed when the weather starts getting nicer.
Honestly, this is the first week where I've actually felt no significant reward from teaching. There are teacher-student moments and "ah HA!" moments, but I felt nothing from them. I'm still pissed about some of my sharper Algebra kids half-assing the final to pull off a barely passing 65% for the class. If I have to talk to some students again about how miserably they failed last trimester and how they're already doing the same shit again, I'm going to pull my hair out. FYI - I have a lot of hair.
Life is stressing me out a little more than usual and I'm pretty sure a factor that is making it worse is lack of sleep. Any additional work I get (through grad school and Teach for America) stresses me out even more then. I'm meeting my counselor three fucking times a week - another time commitment. I actually fell asleep twice lying on the couch Tuesday evening - a brilliant use of time and money, wouldn't you agree? I'm being such a shitty significant other that I have no words to even describe how I feel about this topic. The landfill of my professional life is spilling over more and more into my personal life and it's disgusting.
I'm reminded of season four of Dexter. [Spoiler Alert]
Dexter is careless, off his game and sloppy. Something bad is going to happen and I'm honestly scared. What I'm doing is not sustainable.
[Spoiler Alert end]
Oh, a conversation with my student-protege after school this week:
Me: "Dude, it's kind of ridiculous how alike we are. You're like a younger version of me in some ways..."His response:
"That's sad. I'm going to have some serious psychological issues when I'm an adult."Spring break officially begins... now.